


Here with me

by Bex_m85



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angel Castiel (Supernatural), Angels, Angst, BAMF Castiel (Supernatural), Castiel In Love, Comfort, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Death, Depression, Drama, Drunk Castiel (Supernatural), F/M, Grief/Mourning, Hurt, Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Hurt Dean Winchester, Loss of Faith, Loss of Identity, Loss of Trust, M/M, Magic, Minor Violence, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pre-Suicide Mission, Protective Dean Winchester, Protective Sam Winchester, Revenge, Romance, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Suicidal Castiel (Supernatural), Suicidal Thoughts, True Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:48:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 16,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23707162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bex_m85/pseuds/Bex_m85
Summary: When Angels fall in love they bond for eternity. Castiel did just that with Sam and Dean's cousin Lucy. But his world soon falls apart when that bond is ripped so cruelly from him, bringing with it a crippling pain and a revenge so dark it could ruin all they have worked for to save humanity.Dean messed up. He was selfish and he ruined his best friend. He had always been jealous of Castiel’s relationship with his cousin, and he wasn’t ready to let Castiel die. As they fight to find Castiel and bring him back before he causes a damage that can’t be fixed, Dean realises the reason he envied their relationship was because he wanted that. With Castiel.There is a lot of pain to heal, but Dean is willing to do what it takes to prove to the angel that his bond had always been given to the wrong person. That they had both been in denial for far too long.This fic is completely inspired by Dido's song 'here with me'
Relationships: Castiel (Supernatural)/Original Female Character(s), Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 11





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N. So this is my first supernatural fic. I binged it for the first time over the last 3 months and I'm feeding off what we have of the last season so far. So maybe some spoilers but not many. I love the idea of Castiel finding love. I didn’t ship Dean and Castiel at first, but the more I re watch and read stories the more I see it. So this story had started off as an M/F fic, but I completely changed it. This idea had been plaguing my muse for a bit now and screaming to be written. So here it is. Hoping to get updates at least once a week maybe more. I am meant to be working on my new book, but this story is wanting to be written instead. Anyway enjoy and let me know what you think. I love feedback.

There was an unnatural feeling of happiness surrounding the bunker. Dean knew that it would be short lived. A happy moment never lasted long for his little family. But he was going to soak it up for as long as they had it. He let his eyes wonder the library where the five of them were all scattered around. Each of his companions looked at peace, and he knew that they were in the same head space as his was. To let this moment last as long as it could.

Sam was sat at the far end with their cousin Lucy. Both of them engrossed in a large book, their heads close together as they read. He smiled slightly at the sight. They were like two peas in a pod. The pair were close, and Dean had been glad when Sam had take her under his wing. Lucy had found them eight years ago. He would never forget the first time they had met the scared youngster. Helping her to fight off angels that were on the hunt for her. She was special. She was human, but somehow harboured some angel grace in her. Something none of them had been able to figure out why. She was constantly on the radar of the angels, but they had their own angel to protect her and Dean knew damn well Castiel would die before any of the dicks left of his kind would take her.

He glanced at his best friend, playing a game of connect four with Jack. He caught him taking the odd glance at Lucy and shook his head slightly. Dean had to admit at first he hadn't liked the idea of his little cousin hooking up with is best friend. Castiel had never been one to show affection much. Not in that sense anyway. But over the years the pair of them had become inseparable. Lucy always backing Castiel, and hunting him down whenever he went AWOL or when Dean had pushed him to the point he wouldn't come near the bunker. He knew that angels very rarely bonded, and when they did it was one so strong that it would be their only one in their life. It had been a rare a powerful moment when the pair had bonded. It was a rare win for the Winchesters. And Dean and Sam had both known they would never witness anything like that again.

That had been four years ago. And they had learnt that the pair would feel everything. If one of them was hurt the other would know, and it soon became clear to Dean that this wasn't just a tie of love it was a tie of eternity. Castiel had finally explained to them that should one die the other would also. Dean had been angry when he had heard that. Gone off at Castiel for not telling him the truth and for putting Lucy in such a position. It had been Lucy that had assured him the pair had talked about it, that she knew what she was getting herself into. If Dean had been completely honest with himself back then, he would have known the attack had been because he was jealous that they had found that peace. He longed for it, but he knew that wasn't what life had planned for him. He was okay with that now.

Dean finally rested his gaze on Jack. Their adopted son. The Nephalim that they had thought dead, but was now sat with them, playing a game with the angel. If any normal person would have walked in now they would have thought they were on a trip. How had their life got to this point?

The relief of seeing Jack alive had been short lived when they had discovered why he had been brought back from the empty. A place where angels and demons slept for eternity once they were dead. Castiel had never recovered from his time there. Dean saw the haunting in his friend's face often. But Jack had come back unfazed, explaining Billie, death herself had brought him back. But he wasn't allowed to use his powers, being forced to stay in the bunker so as not to attract the attention of Chuck. Dean was getting frustrated with Billie. She refusing to tell them her plan, but it being clear she had one. That she was they key to end the son of a bitch that had taken so much from him and his family. They were all just pawns in her plan, waiting to be told what their next move was.

"You beat me again Jack." Castiel sighed, leaning back in his chair

"I like this game." Jack grinned, pulling the bottom of the stand and sending the counters cluttering to the table.

"I don't think Cas does mate. I've lost count how many times you have beaten him tonight. Are you cheating?" Dean teased. Smirking at the look on Castiel's face. He was getting frustrated that he wasn't winning.

"I'm not allowed to use my powers." Jack shrugged, causing Dean to burst out laughing.

"So you would if you could?"

"I would probably read his mind to see his next move yes." Jack thought out loud.

"Oh that's brilliant." Dean cried, tears streaming down his face as he lost it.

Angels couldn't lie, not well anyway. The innocence both Jack and Castiel had was something that amused Dean greatly. Though Castiel was getting better at lying having been on earth for over ten years.

"I'm done with this now." Castiel muttered, pushing his chair back and making his way over to where Sam and Lucy were.

Dean watched as his best friend leant down and gently brushed his lips against Lucy's cheek. It still amazed him the gentleness and affection he held only for her. Castiel wasn't great with personal space, awkward with people normally. But with Lucy a different side of him came out. One that showed Dean the tenderness and love angels were capable of showing when they found the right person or being to share it with.

"Did I say something wrong?" Jack asked.

Dean shook his head, getting up and taking Castiel's empty seat, separating the colours and pushing the black counters over to Jack.

"He's just a bad loser. Come on. I haven't played this for years. Let's see if you can beat me." Dean said, giving Jack a reassuring smile.

"What are you two reading?" Castiel asked, taking a seat next to Lucy after greeting her with a kiss to the cheek.

"Oh hey Cas. Got a bit over Jack beating you?" Sam smirked, laughing as Castiel shot him a glare.

"We're just reading up on spells that we could use against Chuck. Anything that might help put us ahead of the game." Lucy replied to his question, flashing him a smile.

Castiel returned it. Not believing how lucky he had been to find her, or should he say that she found them. Lucy had saved him more times than she knew, been his light in many dark times. He hadn't cared about the fall out bonding with a human had caused him with his kind. Angels couldn't help who they gave their eternity to and he knew he hadn't been the first one to give it to a human. Anyway she wasn't all human. There was grace in her, and he could feel it getting stronger each day. He wondered if she would ever harbour any of the powers he had. If she did he couldn't wait to teach her how to use them. Her answer to his question confused him though. He was sure that they had all made an agreement that tonight they would forget about what was happening and just enjoy the fact that all five of them were present and alive. Yet both Sam and Lucy were still working.

"I thought we were leaving this alone tonight?" Castiel pointed out.

"We are. But you know what me and Luce are like. This is our downtime Cas. We read. Trust me. It's chilling me out, and actually there are some quite cool spells in here that have nothing to do with what we are working on." Sam replied just as his phone rang out in his pocket.

"Whoever that is tell them no. It's our night off." Dean called out to him.

Sam ignored him, taking the call in the war room leaving Castiel alone with his love. He reached out to her, placing a hand over hers squeezing it gently.

"You enjoying tonight?" He asked her.

"Yeah I am. Though I would have preferred to have spent a bit more of it alone with you. It's not often we get a night of peace Castiel. I miss you." She replied. There was sadness to her voice, and he felt her hurt within too.

She was right, he didn't remember the last time they had been alone. Able to share the love they had in the physical form. Angels didn't need sex, but thanks to his vessel Castiel had come to enjoy it. Crave it at times, and he knew that humans had needs. He enjoyed their nights together. But Lucy was right it had been a long time. And he understood what she meant by missing him. Bringing her hand to his lips he kissed it gently. Gazing into her teal coloured eyes. There was so much love there and once again he found himself wondering how he had got so lucky. Chuck didn't know about their relationship. This was one thing he hadn't written. It was something Castiel had chosen of his own free will and he was glad he had made that choice.

"There is nothing stopping us disappearing right now. Everyone is occupied." Castiel muttered, leaning closer to her as he did so. Lucy brushed her lips against his, and he felt a rush of power surge through him as their fires entwined. Damn had he missed her.

"I'd like that." She whispered against his lips.

"That was Jodie. They seem to have a witch problem. She's asked for our help." Sam announced coming back into the library.

Castiel felt Lucy's heart drop as she rested her head against his forehead, closing her eyes briefly. He knew what she was thinking. She had learnt to use magic, as had Sam. Castiel knew Sam would ask her to go with him. But he wasn't keen to let her, not with Chuck hunting them.

"No." Castiel said quietly. Lucy gave him a pained look.

"Castiel you know I have to go." She said, pulling away from him. He grabbed her arm, a sudden panic rushing through him. He knew that she felt it too because she placed her hand over his.

"It's too dangerous right now. What if this is a trap. Please." Castiel begged her.

"Why don't I go with you?" Dean piped up. "I know I don't know any magic but I know how to kill a witch."

"Cas. Jodie wouldn't lead us to a trap. Look we will be back in a day or two. It won't take long. Even if we can just help Jodie, show her some spells to make the hex bags. She needs our help. And Dean as much as I appreciate your offer to come, I think you should stay here with Castiel and keep an eye on Jack. I don't think he should be alone, and if Billie comes back. Well its best you are here. She seems to listen to you." Sam said.

"I'll go and get my stuff." Lucy said, getting up and making her way out the library.

Castiel followed her to the room they shared. Not that Castiel needed to sleep. But that didn't stop him reading, or laying with Lucy as she slept. Keeping watch over her, keeping her safe. He watched her grab some clothes and her weapons.

"Lucy please. I don't think you and Sam should be doing this. It's not safe to be hunting." Castiel tried again.

Lucy stopped what she was doing, turning to face him. He knew she felt his worry, but he also knew that he wouldn't be able to stop her. This was bred into all the Winchesters. To hunt. To help those that called on them. Lucy walked up to him, placing a hand to his cheek, and looking into his eyes.

"I'll be fine Castiel. I have Sam. You know we make a fine team. And no you cant come. You have to stay with Dean and Jack. We wont be gone long." She assured him, reaching up and kissing him on the lips.

He didn't reply, instead pulled her in closer deepening their kiss. Despite her reassurance he could feel her doubt.

"Besides you will be able to feel if anything happens to me. And I will reach out to you if we get into any trouble. Then you can come for us okay?" She said as the pulled away finally.

"Yes. That will work I suppose." Castiel agreed reluctantly.

"You ready Luce? We head out now we can get there before dawn." Sam called out.

"Coming." Lucy answered back.

Castiel stopped her as she went to walk past him, pulling her into him again. He had a bad a feeling about this, but there was nothing he could do to stop them going.

"I love you. Please never forget that." He whispered.

"Never." She replied, kissing him one last time before leaving.

Castiel sank down on the bed, flinching slightly hearing the bunker door shut behind the pair. All hecould do was wait and hope they would come back safely.


	2. Chapter 2

Are you okay?" Sam asked, glancing over at his cousin.

They had been driving for about three hours, and Sam was starting to think they should take a break. Find a motel and get a few hours kip. He realised he had been a bit too optimistic about getting to Jodie's by dawn. Lucy had barely said a word since they left. It wasn't like her. Normally she chatted away, or sang along to whatever tape Dean had on at the time. But tonight she was unusually quiet. Sam had some idea as to why. Castiel had obviously said something to her before they had left.

"Not really." She replied honestly.

Sam was grateful that they were close, and that she trusted him with everything. She would always talk to him about her feelings, things that were going on with her and Cas. He had known about their bonding before Dean. Lucy had talked to him in great length about what it would mean. Only Sam had never told Dean that and he didn't plan on doing it.

"Want to talk about it?" Sam asked gently.

"It's Castiel." Lucy sighed, running her hand over her face.

Sam glanced her, noting a pained look settle on her features and he realised that she could feel her angel. And no doubt he was pinning for her.

"What did he say to you Luce? You've been quiet since we left. You guys have been apart before. Castiel has never been this bad with it." Sam pointed out.

"He begged me not to go Sam. He's never done that. And I can feel him now. He is panicking. He is worse than normal. He really didn't want us to go on this trip."

"You know what Cas can be like. You know every now and then that angel anxiety of his flares up. Maybe that's all it is. I mean I know we are in uncertain times at the moment. But I trust Jodie and I know she wouldn't have called us unless she really needed us." Sam assured her.

"I guess you're right." Lucy muttered.

"It could be because he is a little frustrated also. I mean I know I interrupted something when I pulled you away." Sam teased, pleased when Lucy smiled slightly.

"Yeah you did. I wont lie. But it's fine when we get back it will just be an even better reunion." Lucy grinned.

Sam scrunched up his nose, shaking his head slightly to rid his mind of the thoughts of his cousin and best friend in bed.

"I'm glad the walls are sound proof in the bunker."

Lucy just laughed, returning her gaze to the window. Glancing at her phone when it lit up. Sam saw Castiel's name appear and smiled as Lucy answered it chatting to her love. Assuring him they were will alive.

"How about we stop at this motel. I don't think I can drive much more tonight. We can grab some sleep for a few hours and then finish the journey first thing?" Sam suggested when Lucy had hung up the phone.

"Sounds good to me. I could so with some sleep. Why don't I go get us a room and you call Jodie, let her know that we will see her tomorrow. And maybe see if you can find us some food?" Lucy replied.

"Deal" Sam grinned.

He watched as she climbed out the car and made her way to the reception of the motel. Sighing deeply he turned Baby round and headed off in the direction of the 24 hour diner they had just passed. He thought about what Lucy had told him about Castiel. The angel did worry, but not to the extent that he begged Lucy not to go on a hunt. Lucy was right. Castiel never stood in the way of any of them helping out a friend. So why was now so different. Was it just because Chuck was on the hunt for them. They were all on edge about that, but maybe it was affecting Castiel more than the others.

Pushing the thoughts from his mind he climbed out the car and walked into the diner. Ordering him a salad and Lucy a cheese burger. While he waited he pulled out his phone hitting Jodie's name. It took a good few rings before Jodie answered sleepily.

"Sam? Is everything okay?"

"Sam paused for a moment. Confused about her question. Had she forgotten she had rung them asking for their help just hours ago.

"Erm hey Jodie. I was just ringing to let you know that we have stopped for a few hours but we should be with you early morning."

"That's great Sam. But why are you coming to me?" Jodie asked. Sam could hear the confusion in her voice.

His mind suddenly went into a panic. Castiel had been right.

"I've got to go Jodie."

"Sam…"

"Talk to you soon." He hung up, racing back out the diner, forgetting about his food. Driving as fast as he could back to the motel.

"Lucy!" Sam shouted, not caring if he would wake up anyone there.

He flew open the door of the reception and froze. What he saw made him feel sick. Lucy was tied up to a chair, her clothes torn, her head down, she was so still.

"Lucy. Oh no. No. Lucy can you hear me?" Sam cried, dropping down next to her. He quickly untied her from the chair, laying her down on the floor. Rolling her onto her back, placing his fingers to her neck, praying for a pulse. To his relief he felt a light one.

"Okay we need to get you home." He muttered. He was stopped from moving by a blade coming around his neck.

"I wouldn't move if I was you. Not unless you wont to lose that pretty head of yours."

"Sam looked up, swallowing heavily when he saw who was stood in front of him. "Lilith"

"Yep. This was a bit to easy I must admit. But you're here now."

"What do you want?" Sam hissed, his eyes darting to where Lucy still lay motionless. He knew that Castiel would have felt her pain. He just hoped that him and Dean would be on their way to help.

"They wont come. I know about your angel and your cousin. She is dying and therefor he will be too weak to come. Now are you going to give me what I want?"

"What is it you want?" Sam repeated his question.

"Chuck's gun." Lilith replied simply.

"I don't know where it is." Sam said

"Don't you?" She smirked.

Sam watched as she twisted her hand, a piercing scream shattered the air. Sam's gaze flew to where Lucy was now awake, but writhing in pain. He could almost hear the life being torn from her.

"Stop! If I give you the gun will let us go? Let her live." He didn't care what Dean would say, he wasn't about to let his cousin die. He couldn't. He couldn't lose someone else.

"I'll think about it." Lilith replied.

"It's in the back of the car. Take it, and then leave us alone." Sam spat.

Lilith nodded her head to one of the minions she had brought with her. The guy obediently went to the car. He came back bringing the gun Sam had used to shot Chuck after he killed Jack. Sam watched in despair as Lilith took it in her hand and burnt it.

"No!" Sam cried out, watching their only weapon they had against Chuck melt to nothing.

"Thanks Sam." Lilith grinned, stepping over Lucy who was once laying lifeless on the floor.

"You better get your little cousin home. Wouldn't want her to die on the cold floor of a motel reception. Oh and good luck explaining all this to your brother. I'm sure that's going to go down so well." Lilith smirked.

"Wait! We had a deal. You said that you would let her live." Sam snapped.

Lilith turned to face him, a dark smile on her face. "No Sammy. I said I would think about it. I stopped the torture. It's up to her if she lives or not."

And with that she was gone. Her minions following behind. Sam crawled along the floor to where Lucy lay.

"I'm so sorry Lucy. I'm so sorry." He sobbed.

He picked her body up, hurrying to the car. He laid her down in the back seat, putting a blanket around her. Jumping into the drivers seat he put his foot down. Speeding off back home.

"Hang in there Luce. Please just hang in there." He begged her.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey readers
> 
> Those that have given this fic a chance thanks. It’s been a while since I have written a fanfiction and it’s taking a while to get back into the flow of them. But I am loving this and its fuelling other ideas for future writes.
> 
> Anyway another chapter. I have at least another 5 written already so be sure to know updates will be coming regularly.
> 
> Hope you are all staying safe.
> 
> Bex

"Cas will you stop pacing please. They haven’t been gone for that long. If this is what you’re going to do for the next few days then I’m tying you down.” Dean snapped, looking up from a book he had been reading.

Castiel was driving him mad. The angel hadn’t stopped stressing since the moment the door had shut behind Sam and Lucy. He was never this bad when Lucy went out on a hunt, so he didn’t understand why he was so agitated this time. Castiel being Castiel wouldn’t talk to him. He was doing what he normal did when he was distressed, shut down. It was a trait that annoyed the hell out of Dean. 

“Castiel. Talk to me. Why are you so worked up over this? Sam and Lucy have been on hunts several times before. Why is this any different?” Dean asked, putting his book down.

He got up and made his way over to where his friend was still pacing. Grabbing his shoulders he made Castiel stop, putting fingers under his chin he forced the angel to look at him. He swallowed heavily when he saw the distress in Castiel’s blue eyes. Something had really got to him.

“Cas. What’s going on?” He asked gently.

“They shouldn’t be out there Dean. Chuck is hunting us. We shouldn’t be on any hunts at the moment. Not till we know where he is. At least that way we can plan a bit better.” Castiel replied, trying to push Dean away from him.

“Maybe we shouldn’t be. But you know as well as I do that they wouldn’t have listened to us.” Dean reasoned with him.

“I know but….” 

Castiel never finished what he was going to say, instead he cried out in pain, dropping so suddenly to the ground Dean didn’t have a chance to catch him. 

“Cas? Castiel. Can you hear me?” Dean cried, dropping down to the ground next to him. 

Castiel didn’t speak. Instead he gripped his chest. As he turned his back to him. Dean tried to pull him round to face him, but Castiel was too strong. He felt a heat coming from the angel as he started to shake. His breaths coming short and sharp.

“Castiel!” Dean shouted, finally pulling him onto his back.

Castiel’s eyes were glowing a bright blue as he blindly reached for Dean’s arm. Dean grabbed hold of him. Not knowing what to do. He felt Jack drop by his side. He knew he was panicking and that he wanted to help. Dean shook his head in warning. Castiel wouldn’t want Jack to risk his life as well.

“Cas talk to me. What’s going on?” Dean begged him.

“She’s dying.” Castiel finally choked out, before falling limp.

“Cas? Castiel you open your eyes now.” Dean demanded, slapping his friend.

His phone rang, he got up grabbing it off the side of the table, his eyes staying put on his friend’s still form. Jack sat cross-legged next to him pleading with him wake up. He saw it was Sam calling.

“Sam what the hell is going on? Where is Lucy?” Dean demanded.

“Dean. I’m sorry. Cas was right. It was a trap. It was Lilith. I am nearly home. But Lucy. She is in a bad way Dean. Lilith got her. I don’t know. I think she is….”

“She is dying.” Dean finished for him.

“Dean?” 

“Just get home as quick as you can Sam. I am going to call on Rowena. There might be something she can do. We cant let Jack help. She is the next best thing we have.” Dean said.

He didn’t wait for Sam to reply. Instead he hung up the phone turning back to Castiel who was starting to come round. Dean swallowed heavily. He knew he wouldn’t have to tell Cas what Sam had just said. He would have felt it. It was what had knocked him cold.

“Cas. I’m sorry.” Dean muttered, pulling him up.

“I need to find her.” Castiel said distractedly.

“You can’t Castiel. You aren’t well. And Sam is bringing Lucy home. I just heard Dean say that.” Jack told him. “Here let me give you some of my strength” 

“Don’t touch me.” Castiel snapped.

“Jack why don’t you go and make sure the hospital wing is ready for Lucy.” Dean said gently. 

Jack simply nodded, doing as he was asked. Dean felt sorry for the kid. He knew that Jack wanted nothing more than to help. He could heal Lucy in a heartbeat but there was no way Lucy would want him to. 

“Cas. That wasn’t fair.” Dean tried. “Why don’t you sit down. You don’t look so good.”

“Summon Rowena.” Cas said darkly.

“Cas please…”

“Just do it Dean. I want her here when Lucy gets home.” Castiel fired. 

Dean didn’t say anything. Instead he went about collecting what he needed to bring Rowena to them. Calling the queen of hell was never easy. But he knew Rowena liked Lucy. She saw her power and had trained her a little in magic. Just as she had Sam. He knew she would help. 

He was about ready to use the spell when he heard a thud next to him, spinning round he saw Cas on the floor. Again clutching his chest, struggling to breath. Forgetting about the spell for a moment Dean found himself next to his friend again. 

“Cas?” Dean called to him. “Castiel can you hear me?” 

“She’s worse. Dean she’s getting worse. I cant….” Castiel trailed off as he took a shuddering breath before falling limp.

“Cas? Oh hell no. No you don’t. I need you to be awake. Castiel.” Dean begged him.

He knew that is was no use. Castiel wouldn’t come round, not with Lucy so weak. This was the curse of their bond. He knew that. But he thought Castiel would have a little more time to try and save her before he succumbed to it too.

“Jack! Jack I need your help.” Dean called out. 

Jack appeared quickly, and between them they pulled the angel’s limp form up and carried him to the hospital wing. They had just laid him down when they heard the bunker door fly open and Sam came in.

“Dean!! Cas!!!” 

“Sammy. In here.” Dean called. 

Dean wasn’t prepared for the sight that greeted him. Lucy lay limp in Sam’s arms, covered in blood, her clothes ripped and torn. He knew that they were too late. She was going to die, and so was Castiel. There was nothing that could be done. It was the curse of their tie. He felt an anger surge through him that the both of them could have been so selfish as to do this. To risk them both being taken from them at the same time. 

“Have you called Rowena?” Sam asked, as he lay Lucy down on the bed next to Cas’s.

Dean didn’t answer. He didn’t have words to say. What was the point. What would Rowena be able to do. The one spell she had created to resurrect someone had already been used on Eileen. It couldn’t be used again. They had nothing.

“Dean!” Sam shouted, snapping his fingers in front of his eyes. “Have you summoned Rowena?”

“No he hasn’t. Castiel collapsed before he had a chance to.” Jack answered for him. 

Sam cursed, before disappearing. Dean didn’t stop him. He knew he had gone to summon the witch. Dean walked over to the bed his cousin was in. The injuries he could see looked bad, but he didn’t doubt that the internal ones were worse. He reached a shaky hand out to her, placing it against her neck. He felt nothing. She was gone.  



	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a good few chapters already written on this one. And I am also working on another story which has Cas paired up with Dean. Loving flicking between two very different stories and relationships with my favourite character. 
> 
> I promise things start to pick up from now onwards. Bit more gritty and angst etc.
> 
> Thank you for checking this out. And hope you are all staying safe.
> 
> Love  
> Bex

"What do you want Sam?" Rowena asked lazily as she appeared in the bunker.

Sam let out the breath he had been holding. He wasn't sure she would come. Now that she was stood in front of him he found himself not sure what to ask. He knew Lucy was gone. She had been dead before they reached the bunker. It had been the worst journey of his life. A bit of him had hoped that they would have made it in time. But the damage had been too great.

"It's Lucy. She's dead." He finally said.

Rowena stepped out of the summoning circle. There was shock and sadness in her eyes. Sam knew this would hurt her. She had always like Lucy. Had spent a lot of time teaching her magic.

"How?" She asked.

"Lilith" was all Sam could reply.

"Where is she?" Rowena demanded.

Sam simply pointed in the direction of the hospital wing following behind her. The guilt he had managed to push to the side was rushing back fast. He felt it crippling him to the point he couldn't breath. Taking deep shaky breathes before he entered into the hospital wing. He wasn't ready to see his cousin and his best friend lying lifeless. Castiel was still alive, but only just and he knew that Dean wouldn't be coping either.

"Can you bring her back?" Dean asked as Sam entered the room.

"No." Rowena replied sadly. "The spell I created to resurrect can only be used once. I cannot bring her back."

"I can." Jack spoke up.

"But you wont." Dean shut him down.

Jack went to protest but Sam stopped him.

"He's right Jack. If you use your powers to that extent you will attract the attention of Chuck. We have come so far. Lucy wouldn't want that. Neither would Castiel."

"Castiel? There might be a way I can save him." Rowena said, as if she had suddenly remembered the angel was still with them."He is still alive. If I can break the bond he has with Lucy it will free him. And he will live."

"No" Sam said.

"Do it." Dean spoke at the same time.

"Dean no. You can't. Cas won't want this. We need to let them both go. It's what is meant to happen." Sam pleaded.

"I can't lose them both Sammy. We can't lose them both." Dean whispered.

"Dean. We don't know what it will do to him if we do it."

"He's right Dean. I don't know what this spell does to angels. I have never actually done it. We don't know how Castiel will be when he wakes. If he wakes." Rowena backed Sam.

"But you know how to do it?" Dean asked.

"Yes but…"

"Then get what you need and do it." Dean fired.

"Dean…come on…." Sam tried again.

"Do it Rowena." Dean demanded, ignoring Sam.

Rowena simply nodded vanishing and appearing moments later with the book of the damned and various ingredients.

"This could backfire on us boys. And it will be painful for Castiel. Are you sure you are ready for what this could bring." Rowena checked.

"Just do it." Dean repeated.

Dean watched as Rowena set about her work. He could feel Sam glaring at him, Jack's pleading eyes not moving from him. Them both begging for him to stop her. But he wouldn't. He couldn't. If there was chance they could save at least one of them they were going to try. He knew Castiel would forgive him eventually. Wouldn't he? That was if it worked. He tried to ignore Lucy's body lying near him. He wasn't ready to accept she was gone. She was too young, it wasn't fair.

"I cant believe you are letting her do this Dean. When he wakes…."

"We deal with it. Like we always do. We have to Sammy. We need him."

"No Dean. You need him. This is you being selfish. I cant. I'm done." Sam snapped, turning and storming out the hospital wing.

"I'll go after him. Make sure he is okay." Jack muttered, leaving quickly.

"Done. Now we wait." Rowena said, glancing at Dean.

"How long?" Dean asked.

"I don't know. But I hope you know what you are doing. I really don't have any idea how he will be when he wakes. I have to get back to hell. Good luck." Rowena said.

She was gone before Dean could reply. He took a deep breath before sinking onto the steps the lead down into the hospital wing. Dropping his head in his hands. Maybe he should have listened to Sam. He had been selfish but he wasn't ready to say goodbye to them both. A rattle caused him to look to his left. A small vile had appeared from thin air a note attached to it.

You may need this. If the angel gets out of hand when he wakes this will put him to sleep for at least a day. Help you figure out what you will do with him."

Dean cursed. Rowena had obviously figured something out. What had he done? He didn't have time to dwell on it as a groan came from the bed Castiel was on. Dean jumped up and stood at his side, blocking Lucy from his view. He wished he had thought about covering her up, but it was too late now. He thought about calling for Sam and Jack. But thought better of it. Maybe Rowena was wrong. Castiel would be okay.

"Hey buddy. You gave us a bit of a scare there. How you feeling?" He asked.

"Why am I alive?"

Dean paled at Castiel's words. He knew. He remembered.

"Cas. Let me explain…."

"No. I shouldn't be alive. The only way I could be alive would be if you broke our bond. And that's impossible…."

Castiel trailed off, looking round Dean. Dean watched as his best friend fell to pieces, right there in front of him. It would be something he would never forget. He felt the angel's pain as Castiel glowed a bright blue, Dean staggered back bringing his hands to his ears as a high pitched cry echoed through the bunker. He felt Sam by his side, pulling him out the door away from the power, but Dean stood fast. He couldn't leave him. He couldn't leave Castiel.

"Get out." Castiel boomed, turning on them.

"Cas please…"

"I said get out." A light flew from his hands, sending Dean and Sam flying into the corridor. Dean was quick to his feet, making to go back into the room but Sam stopped him.

"Dean are you mad? You cant go in there. He will kill you. Don't you see. Don't you see what you've done. I told you we shouldn't have done this." Sam said.

"Sam, we need to help him. Rowena gave me this. She knew. She knew he would be like this."

"Dean what part of he will kill you don't you understand. He doesn't see us. He sees only his grief. You broke his eternity Dean. You took his love." Sam snapped.

"I have to try Sam. Please."

Sam didn't have a chance to respond. Castiel was in front of them without warning. His angel power glowing around him. He was pissed. Dean had only ever seen him like this when they had been fighting side by side. But now his anger was directed at him, and he was scared.

"Cas. Please calm dowm. We can talk about this." Sam begged him.

"Why did you do it?" Castiel snarled, ignoring Sam and turning on Dean.

"Cas please. I had to. I couldn't let you both die." Dean stuttered.

"Oh but you could. It was what you were meant to do. But you couldn't because you are selfish. I should be dead. I should be with Lucy. You took that from me." Castiel cried.

Dean felt himself left up and slam into the wall. He groaned as his back connected with it, before he could gather his thoughts Castiel's hand had closed around his neck.

"Cas. Please." Dean gasped, clawing at the hand that was very quickly cutting off his air supply.

Dean looked into his best friend's eyes and saw nothing he knew. Castiel wasn't there, he was buried in grief and rage. Was this how he was going to die? At the hands of his best friend. A movement to his left caught his eyes and he saw Sam coming up from the hospital wing. A syringe in hand. The red liquid of the vial Rowena had given him in it. Sam caught Dean's eye. Dean saw the hurt in them. And he felt a fresh wave of guilt wash over him as he realised what he had done. What he was making Sam do.

"I'm so sorry Cas." Sam muttered, before stabbing the needle into the angel's neck.

Dean felt the pressure on his neck loosen. The magic working quickly. He dropped to the ground just as Sam caught Castiel in his arms.

"Help me get him to his room." Sam muttered.

Dean pulled himself up from the floor and did as Sam asked, noting that his brother wouldn't look him in the eye. They dumped Castiel onto his bed, removing his coat and boots.

"Sam…"

"Don't. Just don't Dean. I can't do this right now. You did this to him. Think on that." Sam spat.

Then he was gone leaving Dean alone with his best friend. He felt a wave of tears hit him as he dropped down next to Castiel's bedside.

"I'm so sorry Cas." He sobbed. "What have I done. What the hell have I done?"


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah so I completely changed this story, and I’m glad I did. 
> 
> I promise things pick up from now on. A lot of angst, hurt and comfort and healing. It’s paining me writing this so hope I can convey those feelings to you guys.
> 
> Thanks for reading  
> Stay safe
> 
> Bex  
> X

Sam sat in the kitchen nursing a large glass of whiskey. He had left Dean with Castiel swimming with guilt and for once he didn't care. He wasn't sure he would find it so easy to forgive his brother for what he had just done. Sam knew that Dean had known deep down it wasn't the right thing to do. That they should have left Castiel to die with Lucy. But he was too god damn selfish. Sam hadn't wanted to lose them both either, but he knew that when the angel would wake he wouldn't be the Castiel they once knew. He would be hell bent on revenge on them and with the person who took Lucy from him.

Knocking back his drink, he poured another, shuddering as he thought back to seeing Dean pinned against the wall. Castiel ready to kill him. If Sam hadn't got to the angel in time he knew his brother would have been dead. That didn't make it any easier thinking about what he had done. Having to sedate a celestial being to stop him from killing. Sam had no idea what they were going to do with Castiel when he woke.

"Hello Sam."

Sam jumped slightly at the sound of Jack's voice, lifting his gaze from his glass to fix it on the youngest of their small family. Jack looked devastated.

"Hey Jack. Come and join me."

Jack came and sat at the table with Sam. His eyes never leaving him. Sam flashed him a small smile. He felt for the kid. Jack was closet to Castiel, and to not be able to help him, to not be allowed to use his powers to bring back the one thing that could save Cas, would be tearing him up. Despite being the son of Lucifer Jack was good. Even without a soul he was still good.

"Are you okay?" Jack asked quietly.

"Me? I'll be fine. What about you? I know this cant be easy for you. But what I had to do to Cas... he was going to kill Dean. And he's hurting too much. I guess while he sleeps he can be at peace for a little." Sam tried to explain.

"I understand Sam. It was the kindest thing to do. But I don't think it will help Castiel. He will be even more angry when he wakes."

Sam sighed deeply running his hand over his face. Jack was right.

"I know Jack. And we will deal with him when he does wake. I should have stopped Rowena. I should have been firmer on Dean. Hell I should never have taken Lucy with me." Sam spat, slamming his fist down on the table.

"It's not your fault Sam. I can help. I can bring Lucy back. Then Castiel will be happy again, and we can keep working on how we can defeat Chuck." Jack suggested.

"Jack. I cant let you do that…"

"Why not? I don't care if it puts me in danger. I don't like seeing you, Dean or Castiel upset. I don't like knowing Lucy is dead. I can bring her back. Why wont you let me?" Jack snapped.

Sam stilled. He didn’t dare say anything at first, not wanting to upset Jack more. He watched Jack take a few deep breaths clearly trying to calm himself down. Sam waited a few more seconds before he spoke.

“Jack. I understand your frustration. And if circumstances were different you know we wouldn’t hesitate to let you bring Lucy back. But you really are our only hope of stopping Chuck.” Sam said.

“What do you mean? I thought we had the gun?” 

Sam closed his eyes at the sound of his brother’s voice. He hadn’t told them the full story. There hadn’t been time, but he knew now he would have to explain everything to them.

“Dean? How is Castiel?” Jack asked him. 

Dean took a seat, snatching the bottle of whiskey out of Sam’s hand and down a large swig of it. 

“He is still asleep Jack. He will be till at least tomorrow.”

“Sammy. You care to tell us what exactly happened? And why you are so sure Jack is the only hope we have now.” Dean asked again, turning his full attention onto him.

“I lost the gun. Or should I say Lilith burnt to gun.” 

“Lilith? The demon we killed years ago?”

“Clearly we didn’t. Or Chuck brought her back to his dirty work. I don’t know. I didn’t get a chance to have a proper chat to her.” Sam snapped.

“Maybe you should have before just handing over a weapon that can kill God. We were ahead Sam we had a chance.” Dean pointed out.

“Were we Dean? Have we ever been ahead? Because it feels like every time we get a break something happens. Yes I gave up the gun. But I was willing to risk that in the hope of saving Lucy. Lilith said she would spare her. She didn’t keep her promise and maybe I should have fought harder. But at the time all I could think about was Luce. Was getting her back home so we could save her.” Sam retorted.

“But you didn’t did you? You didn’t get her back in time. You shouldn’t have taken her in the first place!” Dean shouted. 

Sam narrowed his eyes at his brother. There was nothing Dean could say that would make him feel any more guilty about what had happened. But they hadn’t known they were walking into a trap. 

“So that’s why you wont let me bring Lucy back. Because whatever Billie has planned, it really is the only thing we have left. And as I’m the only one that can complete Billie’s plan…” Jack trailed off his train of thought.

“Yes Jack. That’s why. We can’t risk Chuck knowing about you. And I don’t want to meet Billie’e wrath. Also I know that Lucy wouldn’t want you to do it. And that is more important to me. To keep her memory alive by stopping Chuck. That’s our revenge. That will be what brings us peace.” Sam told him.

“But it won’t bring Castiel peace.” Jack muttered sadly.

“No it wont. Nothing will now.” Sam agreed.

Sam downed the last of his drink looking around at Jack and Dean. Remembering they still had Lucy’s body still in the hospital wing. They needed to say goodbye to her. 

“We need to burn Lucy’s body.” He said into the silence.

“No.”

“Dean. We cant leave her lying there. You know that.” Sam pointed out.

“We don’t do it until Cas is awake. He has a right to say goodbye too.” Dean told him.

“Dean. We don’t know when he will wake. Rowena said tomorrow, but we don’t know for sure. What if he sleeps for longer. What if he chooses not to wake?” 

“We wait Sam. We aren’t burning her until Castiel is awake. No matter how long it takes…”

“Castiel.” Jack breathed.

Both Sam and Dean turned to look at the doorway. Castiel was propped unsteadily against the frame. Rowena’s spell clearly hadn’t held him as well as they thought it would. Either that or his will power and rage had been enough to overcome it.

“Cas…how….”

“It wasn’t enough for you to tamper with my fate. You decided to try and put me to sleep too.” He snarled, eyes narrowed dangerously on Dean.

Sam stood, and walked over to his friend. He clearly had it in for Dean and he was going to use that to his advantage. 

“Cas. Buddy you need to listen to me. I need you to understand why…”

Sam felt himself fly across the room smashing into the wall before he had a chance to register what was happening. He looked up at Castiel in shock. He didn’t know the angel had that much power within him. Was the rage and the grief fuelling him. Making him stronger then he was. If that was the case they were in trouble. Without Jack fighting him they had no chance of subduing the angel. Not without killing him.

“I don’t need to understand anything. Where is she? Where is Lilith?” Castiel demanded, stalking up to Sam and towering over him.

“Cas. You need to stop. We can help you.” Dean tried.

Sam watched as Castiel sent Dean flying through the door into the hall. He winced as his brother connected with the wall, dropping down to the floor unconscious. He saw Jack move out the corner of his eye.

“Jack no. Don’t. Don’t fight him.” Sam begged the youngster.

Jack stopped. Sam could see the torment on his face. He wanted to fight Castiel, but he knew that he couldn’t use his powers. He had pretty much made a silent promise to the boys just moments ago that he wouldn’t. 

“Where is she?” Cas asked again.

“I don’t know. But if you just calm down I’ll help you find her. I want her dead as much as you do. We can hunt her together.” Sam tried to reason with him.

Castiel’s face twisted into a dark smile. His eyes glowing a terrifying blue. Sam knew that his words were falling on deaf ears. Castiel wasn’t hearing him. He wasn’t hearing any of them. He was set on his own downward spiral of hell. He was there already Sam was sure of it. The angel had snapped, and the only person that could match him was Jack. But Sam knew if they both fought Castiel would lose, and Jack would never forgive himself.

“I don’t need your help.” Castiel snapped

“Castiel. Please hear us. Let Sam help you.” Jack called to him.

“Shut up boy. You wont fight me. So shut up.” Castiel fired, flicking his hand and sending Jack flying across the room.

Sam swallowed heavily as he heard Jack connect with the wall. He glanced at the youngster getting up, but shook his head. Telling him to stay down.

“Let me help you Cas. Please.” Sam tried once more.

The last thing Sam remembered was Castiel’s blazing eyes glaring down at him. His best friend no longer in there. The realisation they had lost him. A pain ripped through his body, before the world went blank.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter does have trigger warnings for suicidal thoughts, self harm and drinking. 
> 
> Castiel is in a dark place right now, and it’s only going to get worse. This is one of my darker stories.
> 
> Thanks for reading guys.
> 
> Bex  
> X

Castiel looked down at the pathetic excuse of a demon tied up in front of him. His lips were turned up in a snarl, as he listened to the creature moan and bitch about everything. It was grating on his last nerve as he ran his finger over the edge of his blade, relishing the feel of his own blood trickling down his hand. Castiel had gone beyond caring about himself, the minute the Winchesters had brought him back, was the minute he had snapped. It was the moment had had lost himself, and he had no intention of finding himself again. He had already decided that when he had found, and killed Lilith he would take his own life. It wasn’t worth living, not now. 

“Will you shut up already.” Castiel snapped.

He closed his eyes briefly, ignoring the pounding in his head. He was more human than he would like to admit, and the amount of alcohol he had consumed since leaving the bunker over nearly a month ago probably added up to a good few liquor stores. It was the only thing that blocked out the devastating pain that had settled permanently deep within him.

“Now I ask you one more time. Where is Lilith?” 

“I told you. I don’t know. You are one unhinged angel dude. But you aren’t at your full power. You know I could easy take you…”

Castiel’s lips curled into a dark smile, his eyes flashing their blue of power as the demon threatened him. How stupid was he? No matter how weaken he was, he could still take out a demon. Sure it would take him the rest of the day and night to recover, but he was getting use to this by now. 

Castiel took a step towards the chair, placing his hand on it, bringing his face down close to the demon, he could see fear in the creature’s eyes. Good.

“You stupid bastard. I’m an angel, you could never kill me. So where is she?”

“I don’t know…”

A scream ran out through the warehouse as Castiel sank the demon blade into the vessel. He felt no pity, as far as he was concerned he was doing the world a favour. Hell they were all going to be dead soon enough anyway. 

Castiel stared at the lifeless body, before lifting a hand to its head, allowing the bright light to leave him and render the body to ash. Sighing deeply, stepping over the dirt he made his way out into the early evening. Pulling his collar up around his neck, dipping his head down against the bitter wind as he took the short walk through Sioux falls back to where he was staying. He had arrived there early that morning, tracking down the demon easily. He had one more to find here that would hopefully give him what he wanted. He didn’t want to stick around to long. But he knew he couldn’t take on another demon that day, he would be stupid if he did. Stopping off at the liquor store stocking up on his usual bottles he would need to pass the night. 

It didn’t take him long to reach his motel room. Closing the door behind him throwing keys and bottles onto the only bed into the room he opened the bottle of whisky and took a long drink from it. Sinking down onto one of the chairs he let his walls fall. Alone he didn’t need to put on the front, alone he could grieve for his love. Let his anger flare for what his friends had done. And wish like he did every moment he wasn’t hunting or killing, that he was dead. Reaching for the blade that had less than an hour ago killed a demon. He twisted it in the light, the blood still glistening on it. Putting the bottle down he turned his left wrist up and traced the blade across it, letting it slice his skin. He then healed, to only do it again. This was what he did. He drank, he sliced himself, he healed himself draining what little energy he had left repeating until he passed out for the rest of the night. It was messed up and he knew that, but he had no other way to drain out the pain even for just a little while. 

Dean stomped down the stairs of the bunker. Returning from another unsuccessful search for Castiel. It had been nearly a month since the devastation had hit. A month since Dean had fucked up royally, and it was something he wasn’t sure he would ever forgive himself for. He had spent the days after Castiel had left searching for him, despite Sam’s protests. They had said their goodbyes to Lucy that same evening the angel had left them. The three of them had been battered and bruised as they stood in silence watching the body burn, and with every moment Lucy burnt, some of Dean’s soul went with her. Now he just felt empty, his only purpose was to hunt down Castiel before he destroyed all they were working towards or worse got himself killed. Though Dean was certain that was the angel’s end goal. Death.

“Hello Dean. Did you find him?” Jack greeted him hopefully.

Dean’s gaze fell on the youngest of their family. Jack had taken everything that had happened the hardest. He had been angry that they hadn’t let him bring Lucy back, and the lose of Castiel had hit him hard. The fact that he couldn’t go out searching for him with the guys was frustrating him, and Dean felt awful for Jack. Flashing him a gentle smile he shook his head.

“No Jack I didn’t. Have you guys heard from anyone?” 

“No. But Sam is on the phone to Jodie. Maybe she is ringing with some news. I hope she is. I miss him.” Jack said quietly.

“So do I buddy. We will find him.” Dean assured him.

It was a lie. Because he wasn’t sure that they would find Castiel. Not alive anyway. It had been too long already. Sam had put out an emergency call to all the other hunters, telling them to keep an eye out for Castiel but to not approach him. He was too dangerous, they couldn’t risk anyone else getting hurt all because they had destroyed a celestial being and let him loose in the world. 

Dean was about to ask where Sam was, when his brother wondered into the library. He caught Dean’s eye, there was a look of panic in them. Dean swallowed heavily, had they found Castiel?

“Okay Jodie we will be right down, just don’t approach him. We will be there before midnight. Send me the details of where he is staying.” 

Dean and Jack both stood silently, their gazed fixed on Sam as he hung up the phone. He ran his hand through his hair taking a deep breath. 

“We need to leave for Sioux Falls now. Castiel is there. He arrived this morning they think. We don’t know how long he will be staying there, but this is the first time we have had a lead on him.” Sam explained.

“How is he? Did she see him?” Dean asked.

The fact that Sam hesitated in answering made his blood crawl. He was terrified what they were about to stumble upon.

“She said he looked like shit. Blood on him, and he had been to the liquor shop. The shopkeeper said he had brought a fair amount.” Sam replied honestly.

“Shit.” Dean muttered.

“Come on, we’re wasting time. Jack we need you to stay here. We can’t risk you getting caught, and we need someone...” 

“No.” Jack interrupted Sam.

Sam looked taken aback, and Dean wasn’t sure what to say. He could see the emotions play out on Jack’s face. He shared a look with Sam, he could tell his brother wasn’t sure what to do either.

“I can help. I’m the only one that can stop Castiel while he is like this. I’m the only one that matches him in strength. And he isn’t happy with either of you, especially you Dean.” Jack pointed out.

“That maybe true Jack. But we need to keep you from Chuck….”

“Maybe I can help you with that.” 

Dean spun round seeing Rowena stood behind him, leaning against the war table, looking like the queen of hell she was.

“I told you boys that this was a bad idea. I warned you what would happen…”

“You also gave us a spell that couldn’t even hold him.” Sam pointed out.

“I didn’t expect him to fight it Sam. I was just as surprised as you were…”

“So you didn’t think to come and help us before now?” Dean snapped.

Rowena turned on Dean fixing him with a hard look, Dean held her glare. He was pissed that the witch had taken so long to come and help them. He thought she liked Castiel.

“I was busy running hell.” Rowena spat back.

“Enough! Rowena how can you help us?” Sam asked, breaking them up.

“I can cloak Jack so that he can go with you. I can hide him from god and Billie. It will only hold for 48 hours, so you better hope you can talk you angel down from whatever suicide high he is on in time. But Jack is right. Despite the fact Castiel is weak, he is still stronger than either of you two. Jack is the only one that can match him, and the only one he could never be angry at.” Rowena replied.

“Fine. Do your witchy shit so that we can get going. You’re wasting our time.” Dean snipped.

“Dean!” Sam warned.

He shot his brother a glare before making his way to his room to collect some stuff. His mind in overdrive about what they were heading into. They really didn’t know what state Castiel would be in. By what Jodie had said it wasn’t good. The fact the angel was drinking was enough of a bad sign. Angels needed a lot to even get drunk, but Dean didn’t doubt that Castiel was punishing himself in other ways. Weakening himself to almost human so he could get drunk and wash away the pain. Hell Dean had done that enough in his past, and in the last week. 

Dean rested his back against the wall in his room taking some deep breaths. Getting Castiel back was just the start, fixing him and redeeming themselves in his eyes was the biggest challenge, and Dean knew that his climb of trust was the hardest. He had fucked up, and he wasn’t sure Castiel wouldn’t forgive him, not this time.


	7. Chapter 7

It was just before midnight when they pulled up to the motel Jodie had given them. Dean turned off the engine plunging them into darkness. None of them moved for a moment, all to scared to face what was behind one those doors that were laid out in front of them.

“I’ll go and find which room he is in. I’ll be a minute.” Jack muttered.

Dean was about to protest, but Jack was gone before he could draw breath to speak. He was back in the blink of the eye, his face pale, eyes wide with distress. Dean felt his chest clench painfully, panic rushing through him. He was glad when Sam spoke up.

“What did you see?” 

When Jack didn’t answer Dean turned to face the youngster, a horrible thought crossed his mind and he couldn’t hide the panic that laced his words.

“What the hell did you find Jack. Is he alive?”

“Yes…Maybe I should….maybe you need to see for yourself.” Jack stuttered.

“Jack no…”

Sam was cut off, as within a second the three of them were in one of the rooms. Dean staggered back as his eyes fell on the body on the bed. He heard Sam draw a shaky breath. He understood now the look in Jack’s eyes when he had returned. Things were worse than he could ever imagine.

“He won’t know we are here. Rowena’s spell wards me from everyone. It will help when we get close enough to him. But you needed to see this.” Jack said quietly.

“Is he…is he dead?” Dean dared to ask.

“No. But he’s grace is weak. I think he’s just asleep…”

“He isn’t asleep.” Sam interrupted.

Dean hadn’t even realise that Sam had left his side, he had been too transfixed on the angel in front of them. Castiel looked like shit. He had lost weight, his skin had an unhealthy tinge of grey to it, and from where Dean was stood he could see the faint lines of a blade against the skin on his wrist. Dean closed his eyes briefly. This was his fault. He had driven Castiel to this point, all because he had been too selfish to let him go. Dean knew this ran much deeper than just a friendship, but he wasn’t quite sure he was ready to admit that to himself. And right now that wasn’t a priority.

“What do you mean he isn’t asleep.” Dean said, turning his attention onto his brother.

“Going by these bottles, and the blood on the table my guess is that he hurts himself, heals himself, repeats until he is weak enough to pass out from the alcohol.”

Dean felt sick. He couldn’t do this, he couldn’t stay in this room a moment longer. Sure it made him a coward but he wasn’t ready to face his guilt full on yet.

“We need to go. We need to get out of here and figure out what we are going to do.” Dean spoke.

In a blink of an eye the three of them were back in the Impala. The silence tense and desperate. Dean knew that Jack and Sam were shaken but what they had just seen. It would’ve been hard not to be. He dared a look at Jack in the rear view mirror and saw anger flash in his eye as he caught Dean’s. Jack was pissed with him, and Dean didn’t blame him. He knew that Sam was too, but unlike Jack, his brother knew how to bury it until later. When they returned to the bunker with Castiel, Sam would lay into him, of that he was sure.

“What are we meant to do? He’s…shit.” Dean cried slamming his hand on the dashboard.

“This is your fault Dean. You should have let Castiel die. Or let me bring Lucy back.” Jack hissed.

“Jack…not now. I’m just as angry believe me buddy. But this is something we take back to the bunker, and then feel free to lay the shit into Dean. I won’t stop you.” Sam said.

Dean flinched at the tone of Sam’s words. He heard the anger in his voice and it pained him. But Sam was right, Dean deserved everything they threw his way. He looked back at Jack only to find him gone.

“Shit. Sam where has he gone?” Dean said.

The pair of them flew the doors open, stumbling out the car, just as Jack reappeared with Castiel’s body hanging limply from him as he marched towards them.

“Sam get the Encohian cuffs.” Dean ordered.

Sam did as was asked, meeting Jack a little way from the car and clipping them onto Castiel’s wrists, before helping him get Castiel into the Impala. Dean climbed back into the drivers seat, eyeing the angel warily. This was a bad idea. Castiel would no doubt wake before they got to the bunker, and he wouldn’t be pleased to find himself trapped in a small space with the people he hated the most right now.

“Drive Dean.” Jack demanded, as he slid in next to the unconscious angel. 

Dean didn’t need to be asked twice. Putting his foot down, he sped out the motel car park and headed back the way they just come. Trying to ignore the feeling of dread that was settling in his stomach. 

It took Castiel a few moments to figure out what had woken him. He had been sure that when he had passed out it was on a bed, but now it felt like the earth was moving, and it made him feel sick. Groaning he dared to open his eyes, his gaze falling on the dark outside speeding past him. His senses slowly coming back to him, enough to realise who he was in close proximity to, and his body went rigid. How the hell had they found him. Pulling himself into a more upright position he realised that his hands were bound. Eyes sweeping over the cuffs explained why he hadn’t been able to transport himself out of the Impala and that just fulled his anger.

“Stop the car.” He snarled

“Castiel? You’re awake.” Jack greeted him.

Castiel glanced to his right, seeing the youngster grinning back at him, though he noticed the unease in his eyes. He felt nothing. Where he once loved the boy like a son, he was too far gone to allow himself to care any more. The only person that had been worthy of such affection had been taken from him, no-one else mattered. Besides Jack was in on the kidnap, the Winchesters had sunk their claws into him. Castiel fixed his glare onto the rear view mirror, smirking as Dean squirmed under his gaze.

“Stop the car Dean.” Castiel demanded.

“No Cas. We are taking you back to the bunker and then we are going to talk about this…all of this.” Dean replied.

Castiel didn’t miss the fear in the hunter’s voice. Dean was scared of him. Good. He damn well should be. Once they freed him from the cuffs Dean would be the first on his hit list. After all it was his fault he was still alive.

“There is nothing to talk about. You betrayed me Dean.” Castiel snapped.

“Cas…”

“It’s Castiel.” He silenced Dean.

Maybe when they had been friends, when things had been right and Lucy was still alive Dean could have called him that, but that had gone a month ago. Castiel could see Sam’s shoulders tense at the exchange. He had been the one to sedate him, he had backed his brother up. He hated each and every one of the creatures in the car with him, especially as they had trapped his power by cuffing him. What little love he might have had left had vanished the moment they had made the choice to put him on a leash.

“Castiel…I know right now this seems bad, but please know we are doing this to help you and to stop you killing yourself. You were on a suicide mission. Taking Lilith out is not something you can't do alone.” Sam told him.

“You clearly still underestimate me.” He sniped back.

Dean slammed his hand on the wheel, his body tensing and Castiel could sense the anger coming through. He snorted. What right did he have to be angry. He currently had a cuffed angel in the back of his car, not to mention breaking an angel’s fate. But still Castiel humoured himself by letting the hunter fire his temper at him. 

“Damn it Cas…Castiel. It’s clearly not been going well for you the last month. You have become unhinged, mad, I barely recognise you. Do you know how many rules we are currently breaking just bringing Jack with us. How much danger we are putting him in and how close we are to losing everything we have worked towards. Why do you have to be so god damn selfish…”

“I’m selfish? How dare you!” Castiel snarled “I shouldn’t even be alive!”

Dean’s shoulders slumped in defeat, it was so easy to beat him down at the moment Castiel noticed.

“I know you shouldn’t be….and I’m sorry…”

“I don’t care for your apology Dean.” Castiel dismissed.

No-one else said anything, the car falling into a tense silence. Castiel returned his gaze to the dark outside, his mind wondering to Lucy. He could almost see her face on the window, his life force cried out for her. The flame that had bonded them still burned so bright even a month later, and it broke him whenever he allowed himself to feel it. The bond was gone, but her soul and her light was still buried deep within him and he had to keep hold of it, because when he died, and he would soon, he would find her again. Swallowing heavily to stop tears falling, he wouldn’t show weakness. He couldn’t show vulnerability. There had been a time he might have let the three of them into his truth but now he had no-one to trust.

“I’m sorry for your pain Castiel.” Jack spoke quietly.

It would have been too quiet for the Winchester’s to hear, but Castiel heard it, and he let the words wash over him. He didn’t reply, instead closed his eyes, he was still weak and feeling shit from the alcohol that his grace was slowly riding his body off. It was easier just to sleep the rest of the way back to the bunker. He would need his energy to deal with the emotional turmoil stepping back into that place would bring him.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the love on this story guys. Here is this week’s update. 
> 
> Hope you are all staying safe out there.
> 
> Bex  
> X

“Give me the keys Sam.” 

“Not a chance. He will kill you the minute you let the cuffs off him.” Sam replied.

Dean growled in frustration. They were going round in circles and had been for the last hour since they had got home. Sam had marched Castiel to his room, keeping the cuffs on. The angel hadn’t spoken a word, the unhinged loathing held in his eyes had unnerved Sam, and if Dean was honest had unnerved him too. But Dean knew he had to do this, it had to be him to try and break through to Castiel, he owed his cousin that much. Try and fix what he had broken and save the angel. It was his fault that Castiel was locked up in his room. The place was covered with angel warding that weakened him, and prevented him from leaving the bunker. Rowena had been kind enough to give them the spell needed to keep the angel captive. Dean still wasn’t entirely sure why she was helping them so willingly. She would no doubt call in the favour soon enough. But for now he was taking it, because there was no way they would have been able to keep Castiel in the bunker without her help.

“It’s a risk I’m willing to take Sam. It’s my fault this whole thing has happened. The least I can do is break through to Castiel. Or at least try.” Dean said. 

“I can talk to him Dean. He might listen to me. And I can fight him, he won’t be able to hurt me.” Jack offered.

“I appreciate that Jack. I do. But I need to do this on my own. He’s still in there…Cas…he is still there somewhere and I will bring him back to us.” 

“Dean…”

“Sam give me the keys. Please.”

Dean held out his hand, keeping a steady eye contact with his brother. He wasn’t backing down, and he would wrestle it out of his hand if he needed to. Dean was going in to talk to the angel one way or another. Sam let out a long sigh, handing the keys over to him. Dean flashed him a small smile.

“I believe in him Sam. I believe he won’t hurt me. I have to.” Dean muttered.

He didn’t wait to hear if Sam had something to say about that, instead he turned on his heel and made fast work heading down to Castiel’s room. He didn’t bother knocking, just opened the door and stood watching the angel from the doorway. Castiel turned his eyes on to Dean, where they use to be full of curiosity and light they were dull and dangerous. Dean held his gaze steadily as he closed the door behind him. 

“I believe it’s rude to just walk into someone’s room without being invited.” Castiel spat.

“Maybe it is. But I have something you might want.” Dean replied.

Castiel narrowed his eyes as Dean moved towards him, holding up the keys as he did so. Castiel didn’t move, watching every move Dean made. Dean ignored the dark look in his best friend’s eyes as he unlocked the handcuffs. Stepping back, watching as Castiel moved his wrists slightly to loosen them. Dean waited silently, for what he wasn’t sure. He expected Castiel to lunge at him, attack him, yell at him, but instead the angel just held him still with an icy glare that sliced straight through Dean’s soul. He felt himself shiver slightly, the temperature in the room had definitely dropped and he knew Castiel was to blame. The warding in the room and the bunker may weaken him, but Dean knew he was still no match for the angel should he decided to take him out. For a flicker of a moment Dean thought about leaving, listening to his brother and admitting that Jack was the best one to bring Castiel back. Taking a deep breath, pushing down the feeling of fear, Dean pulled the chair in the room to the door, closing it and sitting down on the chair blocking Castiel’s path.

“We need to talk Castiel.” Dean stated

“No Dean we really don’t. I have nothing to say to you. I could kill you, I should kill you for what you did.” Castiel snarled.

“But yet you haven’t. See I think you would have done that the moment those cuffs left you if you wanted too so badly. But you didn’t. And don’t say some bullshit about the warding, because I know you could still kill me if you wanted too.” Dean replied.

Something flickered in Castiel’s eyes. Dean wasn’t sure what it was, but for a brief moment the ice was gone. Dean held his breath, waiting, but just as quick as it was gone, it was back. Castiel’s body tensed more, not that Dean thought that was possible. His voice was cold as he spoke.

“What do you want to say Dean?”

That was just it. What did he want to say? How was he even going to begin to even try and fix what he had done. Dean knew that somewhere in there Castiel was hurting, screaming in pain, screaming to be heard and comforted. But he had gone done the path of hell alone for so long he had learnt to push that down and lock it away. That was what Dean wanted to unlock, he wanted to let Castiel let his pain out, to cry and grieve, but not alone. He just had to figure out how to break that lock. Then they could work on getting their angel back.

“I wanted to say I’m sorry Cas. But I know now that isn’t going to be enough. I’ve gone over what I wanted to say to you when we found you. Because we have been looking. I have. Every god damn day since you left….”

“Why?”

Dean frowned at Castiel’s interruption.

“What do you mean why?” 

“Why did you look for me Dean?”

Dean was rendered silent for a moment. He hadn’t expected that question. He wanted to lie, but he found he couldn’t. Castiel always had a way to make him tell the truth, and now was no different. So he found himself spelling his truth, not being able to stop.

“Why? Why did I look for you? Because Cas you are my best friend, and I fucked up. I felt guilty, and I wanted to find you to try and make it right. I can’t bring Lucy back. I wish I could, and I should have let you go, but I couldn’t. I thought….I couldn’t lose you too. Lucy was gone, she wasn’t coming back, but you were still alive, and I had to hold on to that. Because…” Dean trailed off.

He couldn’t say it, he wasn’t ready to say the whole truth. The truth being that he loved the angel more than a friend. He had been jealous of Castiel’s relationship with Lucy. It only took him this experience to make him realise. But he wasn’t sure his truth would sit well with Castiel.

“Because what Dean? Why would you not let me go? Why did you destroy my fate?” Castiel snapped.

“Because Castiel…I love you.” Dean whispered.

The colour drained for the angel’s face at his words. The ice fading from his eyes to be replaced by a mixture of anger and pain. Dean felt his body tremble, he had fucked up again. The air in the room had suddenly become too close. Castiel was about to snap, and Dean felt himself flinch in preparation. He suddenly regretted being so truthful, but damn he could never lie to the angel, it was some sort of power Castiel had on him.

A flash of silver caught his eye as a blade landed on his lap. Dean looked down seeing Castiel’s angel blade resting there. He looked up at Castiel in confusion.

“If you love me you will let me go. If you love me you will kill me.” Castiel said steadily. .

Dean felt sick. He couldn’t do it. How could Castiel ask that of him. Dean shook his head slowly, never breaking eye contact with the angel. He had lost his voice, but he could see pain pulsing through his friend. He could feel it. Castiel was broken and that had been his test, Dean had failed it and by doing so had driven Castiel further into the depths of his own mind.

“Get out.” Castiel hissed.

Dean didn’t move, he couldn’t, despite his mind screaming at him to do as he was told. But he could see the walls falling within the angel. Could see him battle with the emotion that had engulfed him over the past month and he didn’t want to leave. He didn’t want Castiel to suffer on his own any more. 

“No. Castiel I can’t do that.” Dean replied.

“I said GET OUT!” Castiel screamed.

The door behind him flew open, Dean found himself and the chair he was on fly out the room smashing into the wall. The door slammed shout behind him. Dean cursed, ignoring Sam and Jack who had appeared in the hallway.

“Cas. Castiel open up. Please. Please let me in.” Dean cried.

The earth shattering scream that came from the room terrified him as he banged on the door. The lights in the bunker flickered, and pain flooded the air. Castiel was breaking and he was alone. Dean was also aware that he was draining himself, the warding in the bunker making him weaker than normal. 

“Castiel please.” Dean begged.

He heard the shattering of the lights, the ground was shaking underneath him. They needed to stop him before he hurt himself. He felt Sam pull him away from the door. Watch as Jack lifted his hand, flying the door open again. Dean tried to pull from Sam but he held him tight. The sight rendering them speechless. Castiel was slumped in the corner of the room, body trembling, head buried in his hands as he muttered in what Dean recognised as Enohcian. Dean had succeeded in unlocking the emotions and the pain, and now he regretted it seeing the state of the angel. His eyes swept around the room. There were cracks in the wall and the floor, the light had been blown, the windows shattered. 

Dean managed to pull himself away from his brother and carefully walked to where Castiel was. Kneeling down next to him he reached out, placing a hand on the angel’s arm.

“Cas?”

Nothing. It was like they had lost him to his mind, and there was nothing that was going to break through to him in that moment.

“I can make him sleep Dean.” 

Dean looked up to see Jack standing over him. Dean nodded, standing and stepping away. The spell Rowena had put on to hide him would last for a good few hours yet. He could do this.

“Be gentle with him Jack.” Dean begged.

He knew he didn’t need to ask that, the youngster would be careful, but he felt he had to say something. It was his fault again that Castiel had snapped. Dean watched as Jack placed a hand to Castiel’s head. A small burst of soft light flickered from his hand, followed by silence as Castiel stilled, with only the slight tremble of his body. Sam stepped round him as Jack stood back.

“Let’s move him to another room. I will sort this one out later. I think we all need some sleep. It’s been a long few hours.” Sam suggested.

Dean nodded again, helping his brother pull the dead weight up off the floor. Castiel didn’t stir. Jack led the way to his room.

“I don’t really sleep. He can rest on my bed. I will watch over him. If he looks like he is in distress or will wake I can ease his pain and keep him asleep until you want him to wake.” Jack said.

Dean only found himself nodding again, he couldn’t speak. He was emotionally and physically exhausted. Sam was right they needed to sleep and with Jack offering to keep watch over the angel Dean knew that he would be able to curl up on his bed and just let his dreams take him.

It didn’t take long to get Castiel settle on the bed. His coat, boots and shirt removed, a blanket placed over him.

“I will be okay with him now. You two should go and get some sleep.” Jack instructed.

“Yeah thanks Jack. Call us if you need anything.” Sam said.

Dean felt his brother lead him out the room and take him to his. He stopped Dean before he could enter the room. Dean could see that Sam had questions, but he wasn’t in the mood to answer them and Sam wasn’t in the mood to ask them.

“We’ll talk later Dean. Get some sleep.” 

And with those words Sam left him to go to his own room. Dean stepped in, closing the door behind him. Leaning heavily against it he took a moment to gather himself. He didn’t know what to feel, all he could think of was the silver blade in his lap and Castiel telling him to kill him. Challenging his love for him by asking him to end his life. 

Dean felt his legs take him to his bed, he collapsed on to the soft mattress and let his tears fall. He had unleashed Castiel’s deepest devastation, now they had to deal with it and Dean knew this was going to be the biggest fight they had ever faced. A Celestial being’s pain was a force of nature, and Dean was sure they hadn’t seen the full force of it yet.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Random characters will turn up through out this story. I’m drawing on bits of season 15 so apologises if there are any spoilers.
> 
> Thanks for reading.
> 
> Stay safe.
> 
> Bex  
> X

“Did you sleep at all?” 

Dean looked up from where he had been staring at the table. Sam stood next to him two steaming mugs of coffee in his hands. Dean could have done with something stronger but he took the offered drink no the less.

“Did you?” Dean fired back.

Sam sighed deeply, shaking his head as he took a seat opposite Dean. He took a sip of his coffee. Dean copied him, waiting. He knew Sam had questions about what had happened with him and Castiel, so Dean sat silently waiting for Sam to speak.

“What happened Dean? What did you say to him?” Sam asked.

“The truth.” Dean replied simply.

“The truth? What truth is that exactly?” 

Dean fixed his gaze on his brother. He was going to be honest with him, he was just trying to figure out how to tell Sam that he had confessed his love to an angel, and admit that he had been feeling that way about Castiel for some time.

“He told me that he loved me, and then he refused to kill me when I asked him to prove just how much.” 

Dean tensed at the voice, his eyes still fixed on his brother, Sam’s face said it all. A tense silence fell across the library. Sam’s gaze flicked between him and Castiel. Dean didn’t need to look at the angel to know the icy glare was back. His tone had said as much. Sam seemed to snap himself out of his shock and find his voice. Greeting Castiel as lightly as he could.

“Castiel? We thought you were asleep.” 

“Ah yes. Another choice you made for me. Seems to be a common thing now doesn’t it? Putting me to sleep to keep me quiet. Warding the bunker to weaken me and keep me captive.” Castiel spat.

Dean flinched, daring a glance at his friend as he took a seat as far away from them as he could. Castiel’s glare was fixed firmly on Dean and it was making him uncomfortable.

“He wouldn’t let me put him back to sleep.” Jack said, appearing in the room and taking a seat next to Sam.

“It’s okay Jack. No harm done.” Sam assured him.

Dean took a sip of his coffee to stop himself from saying something. A lot of harm was done. If Jack hadn’t been in the room Dean would have been sure he would have been dead by now, their only saving grace was the youngster, Dean knew Castiel wouldn’t try anything he wasn’t stupid he knew Jack was stronger than him.  
“Is what Cas said true Dean?” Sam asked.

Dean closed his eyes briefly, this wasn’t exactly how he wanted to tell his brother about things. But it seemed he didn’t have a choice. He wanted to be angry at Castiel for what he had said, but Dean found he couldn’t be. Castiel was hurting more than any of them could understand he didn’t blame him for being so cold.

“It’s true Sam. And I was telling the truth. I begged Rowena to keep Castiel alive because I couldn’t bare the though of losing him. Lucy was gone, but Castiel wasn’t and I wasn’t about to let him go. I was selfish I know that. So yes I told him the truth, confessed my feelings. Then he handed me his blade and challenged me to kill him. Which of course I didn’t. That was when you found me outside his room.” Dean spilled.

The room feel silent again. Dean dared a look at each of the occupants. Jack was looking at him wide eyed but not fazed but what he had just told them. Sam on the other hand looked like he had so much more to say, and question but Dean knew those questions really were for a moment they had alone. Castiel was watching Dean, a pained look in his eyes, Dean frowned alarm bells going off in his head. Castiel was in pain, the tension in his forehead told Dean that he was suffering a headache something angels weren’t meant to experience. The warding was affecting him more than it probably should be and that worried him.

“Castiel are you okay?” Dean asked.

“I’m fine Dean.” He snapped.

“You don’t look it Cas. You look like you have a headache.” Dean pointed.

Castiel shoved his chair back, standing, staring down Dean. Dean held his gaze steadily, as Sam stood and made his way to the angel.

“I’m fine. Sam do not touch me.” Castiel warned.

“Cas please…”

“This warding you have up is weakening me, so yes maybe I am feeling a little ‘under the weather’ as you humans call it. But I am fine. If you weren’t holding me captive then I wouldn’t be suffering this annoying pain.” Castiel hissed.

“Castiel we have to do this, to keep you and the outside safe. You aren’t well buddy. You are a danger to yourself and society and with everything going on we can’t risk you destroying all we have worked towards. We need to keep you here for the sake of everyone.” Sam reasoned.

Castiel turned on Sam, eyes flashing dangerously, both Dean and Jack were on their feet also. Dean wasn’t about to let Castiel harm his brother because of the mistake he made. He could feel Jack’s power hum around them, the kid was preparing to attack should he need to subdue Castiel.

“And who’s fault is that? Who’s fault is it that I have become ‘unhinged, dangerous’ and whatever else you want to call me. But I can assure you I am not sick Sam. I don’t get sick. We have no soul us angel’s we don’t feel.” Castiel snapped.

“We know that’s a lie Castiel. If you didn’t feel you wouldn’t be in the head space you are in right now. You wouldn’t have broken down, have hurt, the way you did earlier. We saw you, sinking into your devastation. It’s okay to show emotion Cas.” Dean told him

“Because you show emotion so well Dean.” Castiel sneered.

Dean didn’t reply, he didn’t have a come back to that. No one dared move or speak for a few moments. Castiel was like a wild animal, one wrong move and he would attack and Dean didn’t want him to get hurt again, didn’t want to make Jack take down Castiel. It wasn’t fair to expect that from the kid. Instead Dean held his hands up in surrender.

“Let’s just all calm down and sit. We can talk about all this. Because there is so much that needs to be said before we can move on from it.” Dean said.

“I have no intention of moving on from any of it. I don’t and never will forgive you for what you did Dean. There is no more to say on the subject.” Castiel replied darkly.

“Cas…please..” Dean begged.

Castiel turned his back on them, moving back toward the hallway not making it far before dropping to the ground crying out in pain as he did. Clutching the side of his head with his hands. A white glow was radiating from him. Dean didn’t hesitate. He was at his friend’s side in a heartbeat, reaching out to him he pulled back quickly with a hiss, a nasty burn sitting deep on his balm. Castiel was literally burning.

“No…NO please don’t. Don’t take her.” Castiel cried.

“Cas? Castiel what’s happening. Cas talk to me.” Dean called to him.

The light surrounding the angel was getting brighter, Dean flicked his gaze between Sam and Jack both of them looking just a terrified as he did, and he knew neither of them knew what was happening. Castiel’s screams were becoming more piercing, filled with pain and desperation. His words once more were coming out in fast Enochian, but Dean could here the beginning in his voice.

“What’s happening to him?” Dean whispered.

“The rest of the bond is leaving him. It happens eventually. He is losing the last piece of Lucy.” 

The three of them spun round to find Adam standing behind them, though Dean knew it was Micheal they were talking to. He hadn’t even heard the archangel appear, and he wasn’t sure why he had suddenly decided to show up. But his words sent a chill down Dean’s spin. This really was going to be what tipped Castiel over the edge. Dean was fairly sure the only reason Castiel was still alive was because he was till holding on to the last bit of the flame of his bond. Now he had nothing.

“Can you help him?” Sam asked

“It will be over soon.” Michael replied.

It seemed like a lifetime, but eventually the bright light surrounding Castiel faded, leaving an unconscious angel sprawled on the floor. Dean dropped down next to him, darling to touch him. The heat that had been there moments ago had vanished meaning Dean was able to turn Castiel onto his back. His eyes were shut, but he was breathing. 

“Cas? Castiel can you hear me. Open your eyes buddy come on.” Dean pleaded.

“He won’t wake for a while. What just happened would have drained his energy. It will take him time to heal physically, but even longer for him to heal mentally. I suggest you get him to a more comfortable place that will allow him to recover.” Micheal explained.

“Of course. My bed is comfiest. He can sleep in my room.” Dean muttered. 

Micheal simply nodded lifting Castiel easily from the ground, looking at Dean expectantly. Dean realised that he wanted him to show him where to go. Dean didn’t say anything instead led the archangel to his room. Michael placed Castiel on the bed, waving his hand to bring the covers over him.

“You said it would take him a long time to heal mentally. Castiel made a point to tell us that he doesn’t feel…”

“He feels Dean. His humanity is far greater than the angel he is. He isn’t what he use to be. His grace is fading, he knows that. It’s why he hasn’t had a care for himself over the last month. But we need him. So we need to figure out how to help him.” Micheal interrupted Dean.

“What do you mean we need him? Why are you here Micheal. I’m guessing it isn’t just for Castiel.” Dean asked.

“It was for Castiel, but I do also need to speak with you all. And Adam wanted to visit the family. I will let him have his time once we have spoken a little.” 

Dean was about to say something more, but the archangel had already turned and left to go back to the library. Dean stayed a moment longer watching Castiel. Even in his sleep there was so much pain and devastation held in his features. Dean swallowed down the lump in his throat suddenly feeling overwhelmed with everything. He wasn’t looking forward to Castiel waking, not now that his light had completely left him. The fact that Michael had confirmed that Castiel’s grace was failing him only made matters worse.

“Dean!”

Dean took one last long look at his angel before leaving the room to go and listen to whatever Micheal had to say. He had already decided that he would keep watch over Castiel once they had dealt with whatever it was they needed to, and he didn’t care how much of a fight Castiel would put up. Dean had a lot of making up to do, and he refused to admit to himself that Castiel was never going to forgive him, even more so after what had just happened.


End file.
